This happened a few weeks ago.
Katy was telling me some story that only served to remind me she wasn’t pretty enough to marry. Somebody could marry her, I thought, but this shit isn’t going to be worth it. Such a boring shit piece, this story was.
That’s not to say I wasn’t paying attention. Basically, the story was about how a friend from her UCLA days texted her so they could catch up on life over some coffee, as if one coffee cup could be enough. “And he never shows up!” she says. “Who instigates a meet-up and then bails on it?”
“Serial rapists,” I told her, in my head. I didn’t say anything aloud because her story was so incriminatingly boring I was starting to think about killing myself under the Indiana Jones pinball table when she wasn’t looking.
“Still,” I said, “Who wants to kill themselves at Patsy’s?”
“What?” she said. Oops. Must have let part of my suicidal slip.
“Nothing. That guy is a dick,” I said, not knowing it was a guy who had texted her. “Nobody stands up my Katy and gets away with it but me and serial rapists.”
Katy laughed at that because she thought I was making a joke— as if I’d ever do that.
“Yeah, she’s a bitch I guess,” she said.
We both ordered a couple more drinks and watched Bryan reintroduce himself to everybody he already met at the bar. Bryan didn’t have the best memory unless the subject was money or tattoos— which are difficult to forget because they are permanent.
Katy had to piss, I remember. “I have to piss,” she said, I remember. Bryan had left. And Katy had left her phone on the table. Obviously, she was hiding something. But what? I had to know.
First place I looked through was her texts. Don’t know what I was looking for, but I was determined to find it. I love secrets and I was hungry for more. Some secrets to sober me up, ya know?
And what do I find? She’s the one that texted him first. Alan Thickhole was his name. I’m all about changing names on this blog but not Mr. Thickhole’s.
She texted him first.
She texted him first.
It’s not that big of a deal on the outset…but she shouldn’t have had to lie about it.
I want to find Alan Thickhole and I want to know if he’s more attractive than me. I want to know who he is. And there are like, 30 Alan Thickholes on Facebook so it’s hard to tell which ones are the ones she’s trying to bang. So far it’s looking like 30 Alan Thickholes are the ones she wants to bone, though. I’m gorgeous but these guys are beast-men. Fucking lumberjack attractive. And black. Most Alan Thickholes are black.