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Amazon Review

The reviews on Amazon inspire one to ask: Has anybody listened to “R______” after spending their hard-earned money on it? Or is everybody here because R______ asked them to review his album on his blog?

Kanye- sorry, I mean- R______ claims to be a “driving force” in underground hip hop in Orange County and claims to have been so for the last 8 years. Maybe R______ is confusing himself with people who actually record music that isn’t filled with references to the movies, tv shows, and comic books he consumes in his free time.

I almost wanted to make a reference about how this album sounds like a lazy man’s version of “Illmatic” , an old NAS album that anybody who enjoys hip hop should know by now. Well, one of those anybodys is R______, who’s homage to that brilliant record comes in the form of “Golden State of Mind”. Everything in here begs one to ask: does Kan- sorry, how could I forget – R______ come up with any original ideas of his own?

Does everything need to be a reference to a reference?

The album is also over-produced. Nary a second goes by when R______’s voice isn’t slathered with effects that only serve to remind the listener that R______ doesn’t actually have any vocal talent. Half the time it sounds like he recorded his vocals underwater, which is a feat in and of itself because the sound of a person drowning is usually quieter.

I know that rapping doesn’t always have to rhyme. Everybody knows that. And R______ knows it so well that he eschews every opportunity he has to rhyme by NOT rhyming. Example lyrics (from “Submarine”): “since you like drinking to break the tension /”i love you” /is your favorite sentence”. If I didn’t know better I would say this would have been LFO’s greatest record, but Rich Cronin is dead and we’re here to listen to his greatest impersonator that nobody asked for.

The opening track is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life, though. A disembodied, booming voice (probably R______) claims that R______ was betrayed by those he loved and that he soon became apathetic to the things around him. “And consumed by depression”. The booming voice then declares that everybody has been waiting for him to “once again, light our darkest hour”. R______ then proceeds to metaphorically turn off every light in your house for the next 30 minutes.

What was I expecting? This is a guy that hands out free razor scooters and backpacks with his logo (with his name) plastered all over. This is a guy who writes his own Amazon reviews when he can’t get his friends to do it for him. Enjoy buying your reviews, R______, because I definitely didn’t enjoy buying your record.

Or listening to it.