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Guys. Come on. Work with me on this one. has a “Word-A-Day” that is featured every day. It features—Guess what? Vivify! That’s today’s “Word-A-Day”. It’s a transitive verb which means God fuck it all– some kind of verb. It means to endue with life; to make alive; to animate. And just like that, you’ve learned a word today!

This is a wealth of knowledge, persons. Did you know that taradiddle is a noun which means God fuck it all. Some kind of verb. Did you know what taradiddle meant before Wednesday, February 10th, 2010? When I found out what “taradiddle” meant on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010, I drank a gallon of milk whilst delivering a litter of puppies from a talking goat. You guys who found out on that Wednesday know what I’m talking about.

Of course, it’s hard to not use words like billet-doux and not seem like an articulate child-molester. Then again, I’m the guy that tried passing off taradiddle in the last paragraph. Are you guys kidding me? Who the fuck is inventing words nowadays.

Taradiddle basically means a lie. One of the shortest words in our dictionary is now a ten-letter behemoth capable of padding any Clown School Applicant’s entrance essay.A three-letter word is turned into a horrific reminder for every girl named Tara with daddy issues.

You know, you have to take risks in your paragraphs. You go for a Clown School joke and a rape joke all in the short span of two sentences. There’s nothing really redeeming—emotionally, I mean—about making Clown School jokes. Clowns are people too. Clowns are silly-ass motherfuckers. Think about a Clown that can’t afford Clown School tonight before you go to bed. Imagine the Clown in the same position as you, but clutching its pillow tightly, grasping for something it can never afford because of Clown School Taxes. Pining for the sound of a honking nose, but only hearing echoes of the past in dreams laced with liquor and deep-rooted hatred for a nonexistent Clown Daddy who never existed. But a Clown can never cry Clown Tears because it always has a smile painted on its face.

I don’t know where this clown shit is going.

Nobody uses words like mondegreen, flibbertigibett, or constitutional anymore. I propose we ban use of these words in common lexicon from this day forward. These extraneous words only serve to clutter our vernacular selves. Oh shit, I just pulled a vernacular.

What to do with the words? First, I just want to say:

Give them to me.

I want these words. You guys never use these atrocities of the tongue. I want to do something amazing with these words. I don’t have any solid plans right now but one idea is to have a million kids and name them all of the funny names. Logorrhea Brown, I dub thee my first child! People will think that’s a riot. It’ll surely attract a girl with the same sense of humor into my direction. All I gotta do is wait until the first day of kindergarten so I can drop Little Logorrhea off at Pre-School and meet all the hot moms.

I mean, if you guys show child services all of this writing, you can surely stop this from ever happening.