I have to tell you about yesterday.
Could I cheat on Katy? If I had a superpower, I would choose the ability to break up with my girlfriend. Second choice? The ability to cheat on her.
I returned Susan’s computer to her today at work and she gave me profuse thanks— and then an invite to her place.
“For what?” I said.
“Have a couple drinks and maybe watch a movie.”
Red flag: Susan’s in Alcoholics Anonymous. This wasn’t an invite to enjoy a film with her: this was an invite for a bonafide boning session. And you know me: I said yes.
“I don’t don’t know where you live, though,” I said.
“Well you can follow me or I can drive,” she said.
“How about you drive,” I said, “at least I can sober up a bit on the ride back,” I didn’t say, but figured it was implied.
“Bangin,” she didn’t say, as well.
“I know,” I also didn’t say. There were a lot of things I didn’t say today, come to think of it.
After work I met Susan in the parking lot and hopped into her beat up 89 Ford Tempo. Here we go, I thought. I’m going to bang a woman 30 years older than me who drives a car a year older than me. This is how your relationship with Katy falls apart, ever so conveniently. I had a huge boner, though, so I didn’t want to argue with it. This is the respectable way to go about this, I thought.
She didn’t live far from work— or under a bridge as I had hoped. Her place was a first floor apartment in a gated complex— stucco walls on the outside and white linoleum walls on the inside. The second I stepped inside her place I knew the mood was set.
Susan poured me a rum and coke. She actually poured three and I looked for a possible roommate or hostage but realized that one rum and coke was for me and the other two were for her. Damn, I thought, I’m the one that’s going to have to excavate ancient pussy right now. Get me another one too.
“Why don’t you pick a movie for us to watch,” she said, gliding toward what seemed to be her room. “Do that while I change into something more naked,” I think she said. Susan pointed toward a stack of VHS tapes she was using as a makeshift hybrid coffee table/ashtray. She went down a long dark hallway— one too dark for 3:50 PM.
“Well shit,” I said to nobody in particular. I picked a movie off the top of the stack— Cast Awayfeaturing Tom Hanks. A sure winner, no doubt. But when I picked up Cast Away I noticed something peculiar: All of the tapes comprising this table were Cast Away featuring Tom Hanks. And this wasn’t just a makeshift table/ashtray: the couch and, indeed, the entire apartment seemed to be a makeshift ashtray. The entire place was coated with a thick layer of ash.
I popped the tape into the DVD player and waited on the couch, finishing my drank in nearly three gargantuan gulps. What was taking this old woman so long, Christ. “I could have masturbated at least twice by now,” I said aloud. Almost as if on cue, Susan made herself less scarce— and immediately more scary.
She was in a black nightie that pushed her tits up and made it seem like her roast beef hung low. Yep: I could see her pussy. From down the hallway.
“Hey big boy,” she said.
“Really, Susan?” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You sure know how to turn on the ladies,” she said, walking closer to me all sultry-like.
“The sun is still up,” I said as she finally reached a nose’s length away from me. She put a finger on my chest.
“I want to fuck you,” she said.
“I want to fuck you too, Susan.”
“Then fuck me,” she said. “Fuck me, Charlie. Fuck me.”
“Fuck you, Susan,” I said. “I have a girlfriend.”
Susan grabbed my right hand and put it on her vagina. It was warm, like a can of Dr. Pepper left out in the sun too long— but not nearly as enticing.
“Feel it,” she said.
“Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice,” I said.
“Don’t you want to ride this pussy?” she cooed.
“I hate horse-rides, Susan.”
“God, baby, you’re turning me on so much right now.”
“When you call me a baby it makes me want to shit in a diaper.”
Susan pushed me away onto her couch. Ash broke my fall. It was then I realized that Susan didn’t actually have a couch— she had a makeshift couch made out Cast Away featuring Tom Hanks videotapes.
She got on her knees.
“Just hold still, Charlie.”
She started to undo my belt. You’re going to just let this happen, Charlie? I thought. Do something. My pants were coming off but Susan’s head was still down. Her back was horizontal, so I did what any guy in this situation would do: I used her head as a coaster.
“What are you doing?”
“Don’t spill my drink.”
“Please don’t spill my drink.”
Susan might have had a perplexed look on her face, but I wasn’t sure because she was facing down. She was actually trying not to spill my drink.
“Don’t move,” I said. “Keep balancing this, Indian woman.”
“Is this a game to you?” said.
“God, I’m horny.”
“Good. Now just hold that thought.”
I scooched over to the side of the “couch” and re-did my belt. And then I made my way to the front door.
“That’s a good little indian.”
She didn’t say anything as I opened the door.
Susan moved her head to look at me. My drink spilled all over her and the floor.
“What the fuck, Charlie.”
“What the fuck indeed; I told you not to move and now you’ve spilled my drink.”
“I thought we were playing a game.”
“Play stupid games and win stupid prizes, Susan.”
Her face scrunched up. “I don’t get it.”
“What’s there to get?”
“Why are you doing this to me.”
“Please don’t show up to work tomorrow,” I said.
“It’s my job.”
“Don’t show up.”
I opened the door and walked out, but before slamming it I mentioned one more thing:
“I didn’t fix your computer because it wasn’t broken in the first place. The only thing wrong with it was the pictures of you.” Then I slammed the door and ran all the way back to work,Cast Away in hand.
Listen, I want pussy but I don’t want any of that mummified shit. If I’m going to cheat on Katy then I’m going to do it the right way and not with Boris Karloff’s last living fuck-buddy.
So I went home and made a sandwich. It was pastrami. And, for once, I couldn’t hear Torrie crying. Sweet silence, punctuated by Tom Hanks screaming at a goddamn volleyball.