Anybody who knows me knows that my favorite thing in the world is the movie Crank. And anybody who knows me also knows that my second favorite thing in the world is its sequel, Crank: High Voltage. When Jason Statham brought his most believable hitman to screen back in 2006 I was blown away, partly because I hadn’t seen a Transporter movie and partly because I thought Jason Statham made being a hitman believable. The other part? Probably some pent up homosexuality that my therapist neglected to inform me about.
Nonetheless, since 2009’s Crank: High Voltage, we’ve heard nought of another sequel. I’ve since given up on directors Neveldine/Taylor bringing Chev Chelios back to life on the silver-screen. But I haven’t given up on that dream. Then again, I still think Amanda Bynes is going to live to see the New Year, so maybe you should go back to reading something else on the internet.
The next movie in the series should be called Crank 3: Burn Notice, and that’s because, well, Chev Chelios lit himself on fire at the end of the second movie. I can’t really remember why he lit himself on fire but it was simulatenously equal parts badass and awfully badass. Anyways, the Crank movies all involve Chev Chelios needs to continually abuse his body. In the first movie he only has a day to live because he has been injected with “Chinese synthetic shit” that will slow his heart down to a complete stop. So what he does to surive is he drinks a bunch of red bull and does coke in a whore-house. And then he then kills the motherfucker who poisoned him whilst falling to his death from a helicopter. In the second movie, Chev is still alive and has to continually electrically shock himself because his heart has been replaced by an, uh, artificial one. This is elegant story-telling.
Pictured: Cinema at its most elegant. Fucking peerless.
So in the third movie, Chev needs to keep setting himself on fire. Take that concept and throw in Jason Statham gratiuitously calling everybody a cunt and everybody else screaming “Fucking Chelios” and you’ve got yourself this summer’s next blockbuster because it’s only August 16th and these movies can be shot and edited on a cellphone in a matter of minutes. Oh, and it’s going to be in 3D. Crank 3D.
But then that leaves the question of yet another sequel. Where do we go from there? The answer is Crank 4: Son of Crank (although the marketing guys will call it Cr4nk because they are paid good money). That movie ends with Jason Statham riding the El Niño, howling to the moon, “Release the Cranken!” before killing the moon. Screen fades to black. I haven’t figured out a gimmick for keeping Chev alive in this movie just yet, but rest-be-assured that Jason Statham will be getting too old to be in movies by the time of its release so maybe mediocre CGI will be the thing keeping him from at least looking like he’s on the brink of death.
Then we have The Bride of Crankenstein. Chev Chelios has disappeared but his girlfriend Eve– now played by Michelle Rodriguez– must follow his footsteps. She dies soon and everybody gets to go home early.
There won’t be a Crank 6 because we already said what we needed to say with the first five Crank movies. That won’t stop us from making Crank 7, which will be a reboot. The marketing guys are throwing around The Dark Crank Rises and Crank Almighty, in which Jason Statham becomes God and relies on antiquated beliefs to remain immortal and call everybody a cunt.
Of course, what good is a series of movies without spin-off TV shows and obtusely related tie-in products? Don’t worry: a partnership with Pepsi-Cola will bring movie-goers the chance to get hyped up on Mountain Crank and Diet Mountain Crank while waiting in line at Wal-Mart to get the direct-to-DVD holiday movie It’s A Wonderful Crank. Pepsi-Cola took a pass on sponsoring the spin-off Million Dollar Crank, however, mostly because it is a porno and not about boxing on drugs.
Finally, we want to bring Crank to television audiences weekly. And we’ll do it in two flavors. First, we’ll have history’s first spin-off of a tv show that is also a combined spin-off of a movie. That dream will be realized as Crank & Order. The premise: in the criminal justice system, the worst criminal offenders are pursued not by members of an elite squad but by Jason Statham hopped up on Red Bull and coke. These are their stories.
And then we’ll have an educational show for children. I haven’t thought about what we’ll call it yet (we have an excellent marketing team, yet we don’t have lawyers that can help us get away with Sesame Crank) but it needs to have the feeling of a Crank movie whilst carrying a positive message for kids. Here is an example script:
Doc: You need to drink water to survive, Chevy
Chev: That’s Greek to me, Doc. What are you trying to say?
Doc: Eight glasses a day, motherfucker!
Chev: I’ve gotta go, Doc.
Chev runs out the door and kills everybody, but not before calling them cunts.
And that’s it for Crank. If you want more, however, I know a guy.