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Lets be honest:

Don’t you like it when people say “lets be honest”, “I’m being honest here”, and “honestly”? I do. I do so very, very much. What it does is let me know that everything the person was saying before they say the phrase was complete and utter dog shit. You think you’re getting on a more personal level with somebody when you say that? It just pushes us smart people away. We smart people know better than to trust somebody that ever uses the word “honest” in reference to what they are saying.

We smart people.

Honestly though, seriously,

I love that too, the Seriously Thing. It’s [usually] a pointless reaffirmation of something that was being taken seriously in the first place.

-[While I’m on it, we need to get rid of second place. Second place has always been considered the first loser and this kind of negativity in America can only serve to hurt our childrens’ and athletes’ morals. And it’s a fucking downer. You always feel bad for second place because theyalmost made it. Third place came in last by at least 10 points and never stood a chance. Not to mention they get bronze, which is really just a darker, dirtier gold. For more information on our society’s deplorable use of second place, see the phenomenon of sloppy seconds.]

“Seriously” is always said before something that should be taken seriously in the first place. It’s always something like “Seriously, the cancer is spreading to my asshole” or “Seriously, I can’t believe he hasn’t even gotten to the point of this blog thing yet” which are two Seriously Things that I’ve recently heard. I’ve yet to hear it before something that actually warrants a “seriously”, however. It’s never “Seriously, a clown finger-bangs me in my sleep” or “Seriously, fix the cankles you fat sack of shit”. These are great examples of proper “seriously” use and should be used as a reference from this point forward.

We’re all adults here, so we’ve all dealt with this: The guy whose last name is “Wiener”. Somewhere around the time we stopped calling our collective wiener a wiener, we stopped remembering that people with the last name “Wiener” have given all of us a gift: the gift of laughter. Wiener is the funniest word in the dictionary, bar-none. Find me a word funnier than wiener and I’ll show you my—never mind. Forget it. Point is, people like example-guy Joseph Wiener have been receiving our kindness and sensitivity towards his last name for far too long. Joe Wiener goes to bed at night knowing that people aren’t going to make fun of his last name because that isn’t what adults do, apparently. Adults don’t make fun of other peoples’ last names, but why?

Your last name is euphemism for a dong, and it’s the funniest thing in the world, Joe Wiener. You need to be reminded of this each and every day because it is one of the few givens in the world that could make any person smile. This name holds you back from everything you want to be, Joe, and you know it. Joe, when you ask your girlfriend “Who’s your daddy?” in bed, does she scream “JOE WIENER. JOE WIENER IS MY DADDY”. No, because you don’t ask questions like that in the sack because your last name is Wiener. Joe Wiener can’t google his name at work because he runs the risk of getting fired. Joe Wiener would like to become a CEO at some point but can’t because he will run the risk of getting the job and then getting “Mr. Wiener” engraved on his door. So very formal. Really, the only last name that could be funnier than “Wiener” is “Poop”. So this one’s to you, James Poop, wherever you are. Everybody might be adult enough about the last name Wiener, but your last name is Poop, and that’s hilarious.

James Poop. ahahahaha. So rich.