Posted on

Stealing Your Best Friend’s Girlfriend: A How To Guide

So you wanna steal your best friend’s girlfriend? Reader, we’re in the same sinking boat but only tangentially speaking since I’ve already metaphorically gotten off that boat as well as gotten off on that boat—honk honk. This isn’t a guide to appropriate metaphors so consider that your first and only warning.

But what if your roommate is your best friend? What if she hates you? What if she is a classmate? What if they both are? Has it really been 12 years since 9/11? That’s so trippy, man.

So I’ve written this guide to stealing your best friend’s girlfriend for the reader looking for the support they need during these trying times. It’s not like some other guides that you’ll find littered on the internet that have Google priority over me; those guides don’t outline how muchpatience this is really going to take. Those lesser guides won’t tell you how much swaggeryou have to keep on your person at all times. But most importantly: those digital tomes cannot make you the guaranty that you are going to steal your best friend’s girlfriend. I can. You aregoing to steal her and I believe in you.

Achieving your goal is as easy as following my guide to a tee. There are going to be obstacles. I will do my best to identify these hurdles whether they be purely physical or merely moral— and then I’m going to teach you how to poach an egg.

That’s one of your tactics, by the way. Poaching eggs and sewing the seeds of doubt.

And this most excellent web-based stratagem of reference? It’s free of charge— like OJ Simpson in the nineties.

Additional information will be added to this online guide until all the tricks I have are divulged. I will do my best to explain the entirety of the guide as well as outline the changes that have been made to it along the way; Rules will be retconned, tactics will be be altered, and halters will be topped. And where is my medication?

Sojourner, you already know about the Patience, the Swagger, and the Guaranty. But what else?

Soon we will both dive into the four stages as well as shallow pools filled with clobbered puss. Here are the steps, here’s part of the plan, here’s a view of what’s to come:

Stage 1: ASSESS their relationship.Stage 2:Become a THORN in their relationship.Stage 3: DISSOLVE their relationship.Stage 4: FORGE a new relationshipStage 5:You, Your Friend, and the Future

I found it easier to remember the four steps as ASSESS, THORN, DISSOLVE, andFORGEbecause that’s easier to remember and step 5 is optional so fuck remembering that shit. Seriously, where are my goddamn meds?

Stealing Your Best Friend’s Girlfriend: A How To Guide is a plan split up into many steps although you may want to consider them parts because these aren’t steps with handicapped-accessible alternatives nearby.

Here are the four (or five but seriously, fuck Step 5) general steps to stealing your best friend’s girlfriend.

Stage 1, ASSESS: You will learn to- as well as- assess the aspects of your best friend’s relationship with his girlfriend that will best serve you on this holy journey by utilizing tactics as well as becoming one with the three pillars of stealing your best friend’s girlfriend:Patience,Swagger, and Guaranty.

Stage 2, THORN: A bevy of tactics used to become a thorn in your friend’s relationship will be presented. Tactics include a broad range of manipulative maneuvers depending on whether you believe sex is an act or a maneuver. You’ll learn how to take advantage of women that wear longs sleeves, stealing your best friend’s girlfriend when your best friend is also your roommate, and an extensive write-up about the dangers of saying “that’s punny”.

Stage 3, DISSOLVE: There isn’t much to learn about the DISSOLVE section- this is where your friend’s relationship crumbles into shambles. Somewhere around Step 3 you’ll hit The Event Horizon which is a fancy way of saying “there’s no turning back and this black hole is going to tear us apart”. Basically, start your engines.

Stage 4, FORGE: Your prize! In this section you will lock down your best friend’s (now ex) girlfriend. Most of the tactics involved in this step don’t actually involve locking her down although I am considering doing a BDSM version of this guide.

Stage 5, You, Your Friend, and the Future:(Editor’s note: There was nothing submitted for Stage 5)

Stealing Charlie’s girlfriend is easier than it looks. It’s just going to take a lot of hard work, tact, and boner jokes. But I know you can do this. I know you can do this because you’re reading this guide, you sad sack of shit. We got this. I already got this. Now it’s your turn. Lets get what’s deservedly yours.

Just don’t rape anybody. Please. I can’t handle another lawsuit this year. And rape isn’t even funny.