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I was in the grocery store thinking about babies in public. You know, at weddings and airports acting annoying with all their crying and shitting because I hate being happy. Crying and shitting in public is illegal for everybody but babies, but that still doesn’t mean it’s okay. It’s embarrassing, really. Who do you think you are, Aiden– or whatever your bullshit name is. This is the Produce aisle, not the Aiden Will Never See A Glacier aisle.

A baby crying and shitting baby at a funeral, however, is appropriate and it’s a joyous occasion. Here we get this tiny little person who’s so sad that they’re crying and shitting themselves on another person? What a deal!