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I was thinking about dating somebody I used to work with. She’s a Jehovah’s witness, though, and they don’t celebrate anything. Not Christmas. Not the Fourth of July. Not even September 11th.

On one hand, our wedding will be cheap. On the other hand, there won’t even be a funeral– and I’ve always wanted to have a funeral.

My funeral is going to have a prize for the person who travels the furthest distance to attend. Obviously it’ll be a tie between my ex-girlfriends since they’ll all be burning in Hell.