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I can’t believe she left me. The nerve of her to do it like this gives me goosebump dick.

I really thought she was going to die in a car accident or something. At least I could have said, “She left me. It was so sudden. Jettisoned through the windshield. We were so happy, too.”

See, that would have given me the opportunity to lie about being happy. And that’s what relationships are all about.