Posted on

Gay Butter

Go with me on this: We call it Gay Butter.

The tagline is You’re getting gay butter. We need to be aggressive with this sort of marketing: we don’t want people asking for gay butter– we want people being told they’re getting gay butter. You’re getting it gay. There you go. That’s a much better tagline. It’s important to remember this isn’t about the name of the butter: if we wanted people to know our butter was gay we would call it You Call This Butter?

This is about making butter for everybody.

It’s also important that we start a movement. Or maybe it’s not. A movement may start, however. And a lot of people may actually want to go gay for our delicious butter; gluten-free products did wonders for the gays, after all.

Look at the stats for people coming out of the closet after gay butter hits the streets; I’m willing to bet there will be an increase. And if there’s an increase in gays then that means there’s an increase in gay butter sales. Some say there’s a sucker born ever day. I say there’s two faggots born every day and those faggots need to buy butter. Faggot Butter. I mean, Gay Butter. Get your butter better, gayer.

Let me be clear: we’re going to need the gays behind us in more than two ways at the end of all of this. Reason one: Obviously I’m going to be making a joke about getting gays behind us. That’s a classic right out of the ol’ book of microaggressions. Reason two: Gay Butter is animal-tested. This may come as a shock to our share-holders here at Big Gay Butter, but that’s just the way things is here. Are.

I’m scared. I’m scared of what they’re going to write in the papers when they find out we’re testing this shit on animals. My idea is that we just tell them that the animals are gay, too. That’ll be hard to prove in court. That could buy us time to move to Gay Mexico, this new country I also want you to hear me out on.

Gay Butter. The gayer butter.

Or maybe a better tagline is You’re getting gay™. My dad came up with that one at dinner when I told him I cried at work today.