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I feel like anybody who has ever said I’m full of potential doesn’t really know who I am or they’re on my mom’s side of the family.

“Oh yeah, Charlie. He’s bound to do great things.”

No, I’m not. But there’s a McDonald’s on the way to most great things. And, honestly, that place has some real fucking draw to me.

I’m flattered. I really am. But I’m also incredibly lazy and have terrible money management skills. Again, McDonald’s is everywhere. I can tell you how much an Iced Coffee, two McDoubles, and a McChicken cost in five different states, but I can’t tell you what 0% APR Financing is and why I don’t qualify for it.

Five different states. And I don’t even work for McDonald’s. Never, once, have I ever had the opportunity to call Ronald McDonald my boss.

Ronald McDonald is a missed opportunity. So full of potential– dude is born looking like a clown, for one. Born with clownish features like big red hair, a big red nose, big red feet, and porcelain white skin even a chinese person would be jealous to have.

Motherfucker wakes up one day and is like — “I’m going to put on big red shoes and yellow overalls and cook some burgers” Are those even non-slip clown shoes, Mr. McDonald? You can’t hold your employees to OSHA standards if you can’t even get the right footwear.