Today was a monumental day for me. This has been officially seven (7) days since I’ve eaten at McDonald’s. Most people would scoff at this amazing feat but I’ll have you know that I’ve eaten McDonald’s consecutively 94 (ninety-four) days before this, with one week off for a hospital visit before 254 (two hundred and fifty four) consecutive days of dollar menu McDoubles and McChickens. Today it’s 10:05pm right now—it has been a rousing success because of this. McDonald’s is closed and I’m too drunk to drive to a 24 hour location. Good job!
I also called in sick to work today. See, I couldn’t find my work shoes. Just don’t know where they are. So that gave me enough reason to call in sick.
“I’m dying,” I told my boss.
“But what’s wrong with you?” she said.
And that’s how you get out of work. Nobody wants to argue with a man who knows exactly how much time he’s got left on this God-forsaken shit-rock. Good job!
Katy’s best friend Jaye knows I’ve been a bit depressed since Katy left so she picked me up and took me to Total Wine, which is this place that totally doesn’t sell just wine. This place has a million beers. And, like 97% of them aren’t on ice. That’s 970,000 (nine hundred and seventy thousand) beers that need to be put in the freezer right this instant. Putting them in the freezer will shorten the time it will take them to be prepared for mouth to mouth resuscitation.
We couldn’t find the beer I wanted, though. See, I was looking for Totality IPA and, in a fit of clarity and/or confusion I knocked over an entire display of beers designed to look like an Egyptian pyramid. But I’m not taking the blame for this; if Jews had built this beer pyramid they totally wouldn’t have fallen down, I’m sure of it. Alas, all the Jews in this town work at BevMo, not Total Wine. It was a terrible scene, but not as bad as the time a girl in a wheelchair wouldn’t date me because I was “too short”.
“You’re always sitting down!” I exclaimed.
“I don’t want it to look like my kid is pushing me everywhere,” she said.
“You have a kid? We’re done.
It was a terribly short relationship, as you can see.
After The Total Wine Fiasco we headed over to our friend Bernice’s house. Her name isn’t really Bernice but she won’t let me use the fake name I wanted to use for her so she gets “Bernice” instead. I was doing her a favor enough using a fake name, sheesh. Anyways, we were heading over to Bernice’s and Jaye was driving and I didn’t feel comfortable about it because Jaye was really getting into this new indie dubstep band called “Soul Seizure” or something and all of the ecstasy from her younger years has affected her ability to not shake like an old person knocking on Death’s Door when she’s behind the wheel. And I was her co-pilot. We made small talk, discussing how we both miss Katy and how we hoped she was having fun without us because she doesn’t need us to have fun, she’s so cool.
Bernice’s boyfriend, Hickory Stump, is into watching sports so for the first time in my life I got to watch sports and not pretend I object to it. It was exhilarating—the kind of high promised on the front of the Lucky Charms’ box (I also wanted to make it clear that Hickory Stump is not the same Hickory Stump that has an obsession with playing video games. I didn’t hang out with him once during my two day shut-in of playing video games. The reasons for this are simple: he has multiple sclerosis. It might seem like an asshole reason but I play video games to have fun and feel a little bit better about myself and this Hickory Stump plays video games because it’s literally the only thing he can do. And what make it less fun to play video games with him is that he’s actually better than me. So if I play him in Street Fighter and win then the only bragging rights I’ll have is that I beat a guy with multiple sclerosis in Street Fighter. And if I lose I feel even worse because I lost a game of Street Fighter to a guy with multiple sclerosis. Basically: it’s a lose-lose scenario for me. But that’s a different Hickory Stump.) .
I even got to watch pre-season baseball which is exactly like regular season and post-season baseball. Edit: Never mind, it was a regular season game.
Jaye started freaking out about an earache that came out of nowhere, by the way, so I did the respectable thing and had her drive me back to my car while she was six beers deep. I’m not insured for her car and the weed was affecting her more at that point anyways. Safest ride in town.
When I got home I realized another happy accident had happened. Not that there was a happy “accident” or any sort of acci…I see what you’re doing here, OK. I know when I’m being judged. I don’t care, man. It’s 10:05pm now and I haven’t had a single cigarette the entire day. No McDonald’s and no cigarettes—and, wait a second, did I forget to mention that I had supermarket sushi for my first time today, too? I think I did!
On top of that— Torrey hasn’t smoked all my weed and she’s not crying in Chaz’ room, the living room, or any room for that matter: the bitch went out of town for the weekend. This is the kind of stuff I live for.
Overall, this day was a 10/10. Not just because I made a step towards a healthier lifestyle but because I actuallytried today. I went out there and they asked me to bring my A Game and I brought my A+ Game, none of this fuckin C— bullshit you see on the courts these days. Fuck that.
Today, I am a giant standing upon another giant’s giants shoulders getting my giant dick sucked by a giant giant.